Drain

BP: I’ve been applying to jobs, working opening 4AM shifts at Starbucks, and anxiously twisting and fidgeting with my hair 9000x a day.

A lesson I’ve been having to learn and experience constantly are obstacles. When things don’t go my way, I used to be easily displaced and blindsided. I grew up with a lot of that. Nothing was ever secure, especially when it came to outside of my house. I like routine, expectations, and for things to go to plan.

When COVID-19 was getting more coverage (I remember it being the week before Spring Break at Texas State University.) I felt that familiar feeling of dread that something was about to roadblock me again.

I kept the lid on this pot for too long that I think because the time has passed and I can breathe a little bit, I’m spilling out all over. I’ll tell you why. It hurts typing it because I have to look at something that, again, was going to help get me started the way I needed it to get me started.

I started college courses at Austin Community College while I was still in High School, continued my basics for the following two years and got burnt out and smacked in the face with a tuition fee that they had accidentally used an Out Of District address for which ultimately made my tuition 3x the amount. When the issue was addressed, it was too late and I was discouraged enough to quit until 7 years later.

A lot happened in the middle. I was working on possible avenues I could explore without a degree. I was practicing my graphics and editing using my own photography and digital photography I took in Second Life. I’ll have to write a whole new post for my experience in that “game.”

Snapshot I took and edited from my home in Second Life taken in 2010.

I came back to school. I made A’s and very nearly A’s in classes I never dreamed I’d make them in. I applied and was accepted into a prestigious internship program that was going to fly me to Chicago, IL to Mindshare for a summer long paid internship that might have lead me into a job. That was the whole idea.

That didn’t happen. COVID-19 hit, the government handled it and are still handling it poorly, which resulted in Mindshare creating a different internship outside of MAIP, while MAIP was still doing a virtual supplementation. There was a lot of communication issues that I feel nobody was prepared adequately for and now the people really paying for it are the students that graduated with no possibilities for future internships (because they’re for juniors and seniors) and stuck applying to entry-level positions that don’t pay enough to relocate, or have no option to work remotely. Or the positions are cold-calling telemarketer jobs.

I’m frustrated getting this hand. I don’t want to be told of other people’s shortcomings and triumphs and the “against-all-odds” stories. I want some fairness. I want some accountability and a break. I’ve had two vacations I could barely afford in my entire adult life just to get out of the insanity of feeling like a mouse in a wheel with no cheddar in sight.

Maybe I’m just venting and taking things out on other people and organizations that are just doing their job in keeping themselves afloat and listening to whatever actuaries or budget analysts are telling them how much it’d be worth to give us another shot. I hate thinking like that, but with how this country handles its finances is just completely… Pick any vulgar past-tense verb.

So… I’m hoping one of these internships will lead into a paid position and not just Internship II or III. When will I get the chance for that experience without having to use Google or a search engine to learn?

I’m hoping soon.

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